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Julia McGovern | Monday, August 26, 2013 44 Comments
My Facebook Relationship Through the Good & the Bad
I am in a relationship on Facebook. Oh no, no, apologies, I misspoke; I am in a relationship with Facebook.
I spend all my time on him and we never get bored.
We’ve been through a lot together, he and I. A few things come to mind right off the bat:
• Who was there to help stalk my exes during bad breakups? It was FB.
• Who doesn’t mind that I talk too much about my cats? That would be FB.
• Who always knows when to ask me “what’s on my mind” and never ever lets me forget a friend’s birthday? It has always been FB.
He’s a good guy, that Facebook, and I’ve been there for him through a lot of his changes and adversities, as well. He’s come a long way, let me tell you that.
We’ve been together since 2004. Back when we were in college, he all of a sudden decided he’d let high schoolers hang out with us. Oh, our college friends were pissed. “What are these twerps with braces doing sending me friend requests?” they would ask. “Get at me when you have a college email,” they would say. “Friend request me when you’re at least 18,” they’d say.
Ugh. Then there was that awkward time period when he gave the worst gifts ever.
Well, they weren’t so much gifts as they were poorly drawn illustrations of gifts. The type of gifts you wouldn’t want even if they were real.
“Here, I spent actual money on this illustration of sexy lingerie for you for Valentine’s Day instead of purchasing a tangible set that would be a lot more fun for the both of us.”
Aw, you shouldn’t have.
“Here, I spent a dollar on this virtual PB&J sandwich when a real one would cost me 30 cents to make.”
Why would you do that?!
As I said, he’s come along way. NOW take a look at the gifts he has to offer these days:
THAT’s what I’m talking about. Some real tangible gifts. Happy Birthday to ME.
In 2011, he developed this strange disorder where he could only give the thumbs up. To this day he cannot give the thumbs down and it drives me and my friends mad. Sometimes you just want to dislike something, y’know! I think I speak for a lot of people when I say it would be nice to see a thumbs down on Facebook sometime in the near future.
There’s this other annoying habit of his. If you’ve ever received a Facebook poke you know how creepy and random they are. Why does he still insist on them? Enough with the pokes. Pokes are so 2009, Facebook.
Ugh, but who am I kidding? Strange pokes aside, he’s so good to me.
You know one of the things I love most about? If somebody is bugging me or saying annoying things, he’s got my back. He’ll hide them from me. Post a status update with bigoted remarks? Post too many selfies? Play too much ? I’m gon’ hide you. I’m gon’ hide you. Betta run and tell that.
Now he’s a big shot with 200 billion connections (that’s no exaggeration). Brands and celebrities use him to engage with common people. Vice versa. I’ve never met anybody so connected.
You know, a lot of people are saying he is dying. I refuse to believe so. I mean, one year ago he bought up Instagram. Just snatched it up for one billion dollars because he’s Facebook and Facebook can do that. Facebook isn’t dying, the trends are just shifting. He’ll always be able to keep up with the changes, I have no doubt.
I love Facebook. I’m on him 18 hours a day and that’s still not enough.
Are you in love or in hate with Facebook? Is he the man for you? If he’s not what could he change to make him worthy of your love and appreciation?